Bloody Brits

In three years of travel we have only encountered two cases of aggressive behavior. The first was the seat grabbing, rude Germans in Guatemala. The second was yesterday

The three chavs from Dartford were sitting at the back of a crowded bus. They were loud and there where too many 'fucks' but they seemed friendly enough. Then the driver put on some rather good Lao pop music. One of these guys gos up to the front -----

'This is crap, this is meant to be a VIP bus. Have you got fucking English music. English CD English radio. Understand'

The Lao people are very quiet and reserved and the driver apologised. Having got the gist of what was being said he turned the radio off. This led to a number of people protesting and saying they were enjoying the music.

Our friend from Dartford. Stood in the middle of the bus and told them to fuck off and in particular abused an older Dutch guy. He went back to his set where a French woman told him that this was not England and it was good to hear local music. His reply was to tell her to fuck off too and remind her that 'England once ruled half the world'

At this stage I told him to stop being so aggressive and that he was making me ashamed to be English etc etc. I then waited for the abuse to be launched in my direction. But amazingly they shut up. Apart from the occasion stupid noise and inane comments such as 'why cant they put all these fires out' - Lao uses slash and burn techniques at this time of year

Met guy who had encountered the chavs.

'Hello where do you come from'
'Dartford in sarf eastLondon, where you come from'
'London, Balham'
'Never heard of it'
'Its near Clapham'
"Nar no idea mate'

Another over heard conversation

American teacher to gentleman from India - 'Do you speak Indian"





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Transition towns - without happy endings!

If you are very lucky you visit a place when it still has some of its original culture and local business but you can also get decent wine and espresso coffee. Laung Prahang is one such place.


If you are late the place will be over developed. the local culture is swamped, big business moves in and flashy hotels are built. Each one being higher than its competitors. Vang Vieng is a good example of this. 10 years ago it must have been paradise but now its all building works and self absorbed back packers watching endless reruns of Friends in the bars.

Two things that I really like about Laos. Brilliant 1hr massages for 8$ and menus where you can ask for the 'happy' version - Milk Shake or pizza laced with cannabis

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Mutinies on the Mekong

Jut about the only reason to go to Huay Xai is to take the two day, slow boat trip to the old capital of Laos.

So there are about 180 of us having bought tickets and being lectured by some guy with good English '' The boats are unsafe, you will get food poisoning, men will be robbed and the women raped the place you stay overnight, the waters low so it will take twice as long as they say. On the other hand my bus company will take you there safely in no time. All you have to do is throw away your boat ticket and pay me loads of money''.

About 60 people actually fell for this rubbish and went with the charlatan

The rest of us made our way to the river and tried to cram into a boat built for 80. An English guy started a mutiny and a chant of 'one more boat' that got so loud and aggressive that the owners actually commandeered a second boat

The next day on the second leg, about 90 of us got on the boat. It was getting a bit crowded, so the Americans tried to start another mutiny by physically invading second boat. They went unilaterally without the support of the other nations, even us Brits refused to follow them. Having 'won' the boat they had no idea what to do with it other than to shout a lot.

The owner of the original boat owner solved the impasse by starting his engines and moving out.

The Americans capitulated and climbed back on board looking a bit sheepish



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Dumped on in Thailand

There should be a travelers proverb 'When you have a beer in your hand the day wasn't seem so bad and the world will be back in equilibrium'

An 11 hour bus journey is daunting but when the bus breaks down and it turns into a 15 hour journey your bum begins to ache

In the middle of a mountain range the bus began to overheat and then stop. A coolant hose had broken a spewed coolant all over the road. After an hour or so a mechanic appeared as if by magic. He had an old inner tube and a pair of children's scissors. Once he had fashioned a bandage he dragged himself under he bus on his back. As soon as he was in position a woman on the bus who obviously was in dire need, decided to take a pee. The whole lot hit his stomach in a very full and healthy stream - hilarious

Probably because he was soaked in pee his repair didn't last long and a mile later the bus was completely dead and we had to wait for a replacement.

By the time we got to our destination on the Thai/Laos border we were the last on the bus and the town was shut and in darkness - no people, taxis or anything. No idea on how we would find a place to sleep we wandered down the road and stubled upon magic sign that said 'we have just the hostal you need' with a map

30 minutes later we had a room and the beer


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No lady boys this time

Back into noisy, polluted Bangkok. We end up in go in an 'entertainment' district. The sort of place where the girls end up with the desperately old, desperately inexperienced or just the desperate. Found good bar with live music and lots of pretty girls. Despite being in the target client group I don't get hassled (unfortunately). Marilyn doesn't get fondled either unlike 15 years ago when she was in a dodgy Bangkok bar.

Last year Marilyn spent her birthday in a minivan travelling across British Guiana for 22 hours. This year she spent 13 hours on a plane and the time change ate up the rest of the day

Up at 5am tomorrow to get a bus to Northern Thailand and on to Laos

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Living on a big yellow truck

 

The idea of traveling and living with a group of strangers was more than a little daunting.   The reality was a delight - brilliant company, great organization and lots of excitement.   There is probably no better way of seeing Africa and getting to stay in national parks.

 

A leader and driver are provided but the rest is diy.   A daily rota gives everyone a task and a responsibility - cooking, washing up, security or cleaning the truck.  This is essential to keep the costs down and to give the group the feeling that we are 'all in this together'

Everything is down to the atmosphere the leader establishes, and the people.  Just one or two arseholes could destroy the trip for everyone.   Our leader 'Gracie' used a yellow card system,  anyone could be nominated for one during dinner.  They then have a chance to defend themselves and then the nomination gets put to the vote.   Mostly it is a fairly hilarious process but it does give the chance to air things that could otherwise fester and become a problem.  When (rather than if) you get 3 red cards your punishment is to buy everyone a shot.  But it's your choice what goes in it.   My concoction of Ugandan rum, vodka and brandy with a large dash of chili powder went down well!!

 

 

We travelled from Kenya, Uganda and Rwanda

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Gorillas in the pouring rain

Our arrival is  causing much bemusement  in a small village where we are starting our trek to see Rwanda's gorillas.     We are following the Shinda  group  (these are the ones that Dian Fossey studied).     Just ten of the gorrila groups can each be visited by 8 people a day.   It’s probably one of the few wildlife viewing things you can do guilt free - the 500$ a day permit means that someone is making a lot of money and that person will be inclined to try and stop  poachers destroying  his money making scheme

Trackers are already way up in the mountain trying to locate the group.  We start off with guides and armed guards.   The latter is  supposedly to save us from elephants and buffalo but really to protect us stumble upon armed poachers or wandering Congolese guerrilllas.

After a couple of hours we hear a noise and though the trees I can make out the black shape of a gorilla.   It’s partly hidden but an exhilarating experience and I think 'well that’s my money's worth'.  The next moment we are surrounded by gorilla’s -  mothers with babies, adolescents and several silver backs.  We are meant to be 7 meters away but no-one told the gorillas and they even brush past us.  All the activity is because it has started to rain and gorillas hate getting wet.  For the next 20 minutes they huddle under trees looking extremely miserable

As soon as the rain stops they start getting active and the chief silverback comes through with his favorite family

It’s all deeply moving especially looking deep into their eyes.  There is definatly some sort of understanding or connection that goes back to a common ancestry.    It’s difficult to believe that I belong to the same species that will kill these creatures for a hand or foot trophy!!

 

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French Edinburgh

We are in a Wethersppon's Pub in Edinburgh watching France thrash Scotland at rugby. It all gets very confusing when the majority of people cheer every time France makes a good move. First I think maybe Scotland isn't playing, then that Scottish fans have given up supporting their national teams unable to withstand the constant disappointment and heartache. It gradually dawns on me that I am standing amongst 100s of French people - this was about the time they started singing the Marseillaise . No idea what they are doing here, maybe its another Scottish/French plot to invade England


Liked Edinburgh a lot but the grey granite along with the grey skies can be a bit gloomy

The Scottish Parliament is even crappier than I imagined. Managing to be nondescript and oppressive at the same time. Still if you only spend 414M pounds on a public building (original price 50M) you cant expect to have an impressive building which doesn't drop beams and water onto your MPs
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African Stories

1. Marriage. If you don't have enough cattle to get the wife of your choice raid a neighboring tribe and steal them. However make sure you hand them over to the father before they can arrange a raid to get them back- 'its then his problem'. This has all become a bit murderous since the tribes  started using guns rather than spears.

2. ''I thought female circumcision was illegal'' 'yes but not for the Pocott tribe''

Two days later the paper is full of stories of the Pocott persuading  other tribes to adopt complete circumcision, the labia as well as the clitoris. All done by the old ladies in the tribe with a rusty razor blade

3. The riots in Jan 2008 started as a political protest but gave the tribes a chance to steal from each other. One island on Lake Victoria has double its population as people fled the mainland. There are refuge camps everywhere as the Government tries to find a way of getting people back to their homes and farms. Not easy when there is no property rights and whole districts have been cleared and resettled

4. Obama. As election day approached for the American presidency white people in Kenya got extra armed security. If Obama had not got in they where sure they would have been attacked. There is still  tremendous excitement about having an American President with a Kenyan father. But the Kenyan people are likely to be disappointed. They think Obama will favour Kenya in the same way as their  own politicians give precedence to their own tribe

5. Politicians.  Kenyan politicians earn much more than their Wesminster counterparts. In a country with average income of below a dollar and falling.  They are amazingly corrupt and incompetent.  Kenya is facing a famine which will affect a third of the population but the Government has managed to 'lose' all but 7000 of the 150,000 bags of maize it had in store

5. Donations. Its 6am and we are waiting for the Uganda/Rwandan border to open. I have got a Rwandan note worth about 50 US cents. I say good morning to about 20 village woman and children as they walk towards the market. They respond with 'good morning. Give me money'. Eventually a woman with a baby on her back and a back of potatoes on her head says ' good morning how are you' with a big smile. I hand her the note. A few minutes later I hear shrieks  of laughter  and three woman are giving her high 5s at her good fortune

6.  Thief.  We were given some good advise.  Only shout 'thief' if you are robbed if you want the culprit beaten to death or lynched.  Everyday the papers had stories of people being caught and summarily killed.

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Kenyan Railways

Views from the train window

''Kenya railways welcomes its passengers on the Mombasa Nairobi night train and wishes them a pleasant journey"

The decrepit diesel grunts, groans, belches and stops. Ghostly figures shine torches underneath and aimlessly walk up and down the platform. An hour later they give the engine a second chance and it manages to pull its load upto an impressive walking pace.

Life is pleasant in our 1st class carriage. Excellent wine and a 5 course dinner, whilst someone makes up our beds. Not so much fun for the 3rd class passengers. Hundreds of them, whole extended families with all their worldly goods, have been packed into the front 4 coaches

For us, after dinner whiskeys with four 60 year of Swiss guys whose idea of a good holiday is to pay gorgeous young Kenyan girls to go on safari with them. The girls seem happy with the arrangement and one is celebrating her 21 st birthday

This must be the only railway in the world where you can spot giraffes, zebra and antelope

We arrive at 1pm 6 hours late into the maelstrom of Nairobi
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